I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
