Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How does it feel to date your dad?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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