I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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