i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
