The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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