i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
