This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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