I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
