Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
