our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
