Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
