I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
