I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
