I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
