In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
barbara walters just said penis...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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