All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize