If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
