there's paper in my vomit.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
