I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
