Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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