i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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