turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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