I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
