we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
