if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize