I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
