Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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