the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
