All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
