It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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