he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
