So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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