You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
