I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
