Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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