Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
