considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize