this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
