we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
