Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
