last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize