also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
