I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
