Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
