White coat. Heels.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You smell like stripper and shame
they need to just BURY HIM!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
