Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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