the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
