I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
