Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
