I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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