I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He better not be in your backpack
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
