when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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