tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
