If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
