i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Can you bring me the toilet please
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
