I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
