8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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