Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
