This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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