Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
