when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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