I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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