I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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