i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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